Filling Fest!

[sherlockbbc_fic]

The Filling Fest Is Over. Thanks for everyone who participated!

Thanks to everyone who voted and shared their input. It really helped us figure out how things will go.

The fest will focus on prompts from Parts VI-VII (for those who want to fill prompts from the earlier days of the meme), and Parts XXIV-XXV (for those who want to revisit prompts from right after series two was aired. If you want to use the Filled Prompt Posts to browse through prompts, Part VI starts here, and Part XXIV starts here.

1. For the next three days, you can browse through those four parts and nominate prompts you’d like to see filled. Please include the full prompt and the link to the original prompt in your nomination. Those three days are for nominations only; don’t start posting your fills until this period is over.

2. After those three days, the nomination period will end and the filling period will begin. If you’re inspired by a nominated prompt, that’s great. If you prefer to look through those four parts and fill something that catches your eye, that’s great too. The filling period will last for two weeks.

3. All kinds of fills are welcome, as are multiple fills.

4. Anon posting is allowed, but not required.

5. Nominations without the link to the original prompt will be deleted. Same for nominations from parts other than VI, VII, XXIV and XXV.

6. Only post new fills that you haven’t posted anywhere before. If you have a WIP from one of those parts that’s gathering dust on your hard drive, it’s fine to post it, but only if you never started posting it.

7. Post your fill in this thread, but link to your fill in the original post (or in the Overflow post if the original post is full).

8. Please consider warning for triggery prompts (and also for fills, because some people read in flat view) and phrasing prompts in a manner that strives to be respectful. Things which you might want to consider warning for include: Rape/Non-Con, Death, Suicidal Thoughts, Self-Harm, Underage Relationships, among others.

9. If you have questions, please ask in the appropriate thread in this post.

One last thing: have fun!

The filling period will end on Saturday May 19th around 20:00 GMT.
Post your fill as a direct reply to THIS THREAD and please include the original prompt (or a summary of the prompt).

Comments

Wrong Number - 1a

[(Anonymous)]

January 29th
(19:35)
If brother has green ladder
arrest brother.
SH

(19:48)
WHAT? WHO’S THIS?

(19:49)
Seriously Lestrade, if you think
this immature trick will work
more than once, you are greatly
mistaken. I don’t have time for
this.
SH

(19:53)
SERIOUSLY, WHO ARE YOU
AND WHY ARE YOU TEXTING
ME?

(19:53)
I despise you.
SH

(20:32)
UNSUBSCRIBE!!!


January 30th
(20:02)
Spoke to Jane. Keith still hasn’t
been arrested. Do you need Jaws
of Life to extract your head from
your arse?
SH

(20:52)
ARE YOU ACTUALLY A REAL
PERSON, OR ARE YOU JUST
SOME VERY RUDE KIND OF
SPAM?

(21:17)
Apparently I had the wrong
number. This would have
been much less tedious if
you had said so from the start.
SH

(21:20)
YOU’RE KIDDING RIGHT?
WHICH PART OF ‘WHO ARE YOU
AND WHY ARE YOU TEXTING
ME’ MADE YOU BELIEVE YOU
COULD POSSIBILY HAVE THE
RIGHT NUMBER?

(20:21)
A simple ‘you have the wrong
number’ would have sufficed.
SH

(20:24)
YOU KNOW WHAT? SCREW THIS!
YOU’RE OBVIOUSLY A POLICE
OFFICER AND I DON’T WANT TO
BE ARRESTED FOR LEADING
YOU ON OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
HAVE A NICE EVENING.

(20:26)
A police officer? Hardly. What
led you to that inaccurate
deduction?
SH

(20:36)
Not answering anymore?
SH

(20:28)
NO. YOU’RE ANNOYING.

(20:29)
Your reasoning process was wrong;
I need to know where you went
wrong.
SH

(20:30)
WHY?

(20:30)
So I can correct you.
SH

(20:33)
I DON’T BELIEVE THIS. WHO ARE
YOU?

(20:33)
Not a police officer.
SH

(20:38)
ALRIGHT, JUST BECAUSE IT WILL
SHUT YOU UP: YOU MENTIONED AN
ARREST, SO YOU’RE A POLICE
OFFICER. HAPPY?

(20:40)
Quite the opposite. You ignored
most of what I said in favour of the
obvious conclusion.
SH

(20:41)
If I were a police officer, would I
have insulted my colleagues in
such a way?
SH

(20:43)
I NEVER SAID YOU WERE A GOOD
POLICE OFFICER.

(20:44)
WHAT ARE YOU THEN?

(20:49)
In a hurry. I've finally been called.
Murder!
SH

(20:53)
I REALLY HOPE YOU MEAN YOU
NEED TO SOLVE A MURDER AND
NOT COMMIT ONE.

Wrong Number - 1b

[(Anonymous)]

February 2nd
(18:07)
I NEED TO ASK: DID YOUR MURDER
HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE
SERIAL SUICIDE THING I SAW ON
THE TELLY?

(18:09)
Your deduction skills are
improving.
SH

(18:11)
DID HE REALLY GIVE HIS VICTIMS
TWO PILLS? THAT’S DREADFUL!

(18:12)
He’s in prison now. I doubt he’ll be
in any position to give anyone any
form of medication anytime soon.
SH

(18:14)
WAS IT YOU WHO ARRESTED HIM?

(18:16)
If you watched the news, and
I know you currently are watching
the news, you are aware that DI
Lestrade was the one to arrest him.
SH

(18:18)
HOW DO YOU KNOW I’M WATCHING
THE NEWS?

(18:21)
I haven’t heard from you in two
days, but you texted me just as that
story came up on BBC News. You
were reminded of our last exchange
and were curious. Simple.
SH

(18:22)
ALRIGHT, I CONFESS. SO, DID YOU
ARREST HIM?

(18:24)
We already established I’m not a
police officer. I don’t have the
power to arrest people.
SH

(18:26)
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. DID YOU
SOLVE THE CASE?

(18:26)
What makes you think I could have?
SH

(18:31)
IT WASN’T HIS FIRST MURDER,
WAS IT? THERE WAS A PRESS
CONFERENCE A FEW DAYS AGO
WHERE THEY MENTIONED
SUSPICIOUS SUICIDES. THEN, YOU
WERE ‘FINALLY CALLED’ ABOUT A
MURDER. SEVERAL HOURS LATER,
THE MURDERER IS BEHIND BARS.
COINCIDENCE?

(18:32)
A little simplistic, but impressive
nonetheless.
SH

(18:34)
I’LL TAKE THAT AS A YES. NOW
WILL YOU TELL ME WHAT YOU DO?

(18:35)
I will, under one condition.
SH

(18:36)
WHAT?

(18:36)
STOP YELLING AT ME!
SH

(18:39)
I’M NOT YELLING. I DON’T KNOW
HOW NOT TO WRITE IN ALL CAPS.

(18:40)
Figure it out, otherwise I’m not
answering.
SH

(18:46)
DO YOU KNOW HOW TO FIX MY
PHONE?

(18:52)
COME ON, TELL ME IF YOU KNOW!
IT’S A NEW PHONE AND I DON’T
KNOW HOW IT WORKS.

(19:03)
SCREW YOU!

Wrong Number - 1c

[(Anonymous)]

February 6th
(11:28)
So, what do you do?

(11:32)
At last, he vanquishes technology
and figures out how his phone
works.
SH

(11:34)
I could be a woman, you know.

(11:34)
Please. Don’t insult me. If you were
a woman, I would know.
SH

(11:36)
I repeat: what do you do?

(11:37)
I’m a consulting detective. The only
one in the world.
SH

(11:38)
What’s a consulting detective?

(11:40)
When people have problems to
solve, they consult me. Scotland
Yard has a lot of problems to solve,
so they consult me a lot.
SH

(11:42)
That sounds amazing and ridiculous
at the same time. I’m not sure I
believe you.

(11:44)
Will this convince you?
SH
(Attachment: pinkladylegs.jpg)

(11:47)
Is that a corpse?!?!

(11:48)
Obviously not. It’s part of a corpse.
Legs, to be exact.
SH

(11:51)
How will a picture of a corpse
convince me that you’re solving
murders and not committing them?!

(11:53)
If I were the murderer, I would be
in prison without my mobile. Did
you notice anything special on the
picture?
SH

(11:54)
Yes. There was a dead body on it.

(11:54)
Don’t be an idiot.
SH

(12:01)
Alright, I’ll play along. It looks like
she has oedema in one of her legs, so
maybe she had a medical condition?

(12:04)
Not something painful like gout or
arthritis, her heels are too high for
that. Maybe Varicose veins?

(12:05)
Am I even close?

(12:06)
You’re a doctor.
SH

(12:07)
Maybe. Was I right?

(12:09)
Perhaps, but it wasn’t relevant to
the case. I was talking about the
splashes on her right heel and calf.
It’s how I solved the case.
SH

(12:11)
How?

(12:13)
It was proof that she had a suitcase.
Said suitcase was missing. Looked
for it, found it, solved it.
Simple.
SH

(12:15)
Nope, I still don’t get it.

(12:18)
I found her email address on her
case’s tag. I already had her
password, so I logged on to her
me.com account and tracked her
missing phone with the GPS.
SH

(12:20)
All because you knew she had a
suitcase? That’s fantastic!

(12:20)
It’s what I do.
SH

(12:24)
Is it weird that we’re speaking?

(12:24)
Is it?
SH

(12:26)
Maybe. A bit.

(12:29)
It wouldn’t be as weird if I knew
your name. SH, are those your
initials or are you shushing me in
every single one of your messages?

(12:59)
Hello? Have you been called to
another crime scene? Did someone
flash the consulting detective signal?

Wrong Number - 1d

[(Anonymous)]

February 8th
(14:51)
Did I cross a line the other night
when I asked what your name is?

(14:57)
If I did, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to.

(21:07)
Alright, I get the message. It was
nice talking to you.


March 25th
(21:43)
How long would it take for a heel
tattoo to start fading?
SH

(21:52)
Hello again.

(21:54)
I have absolutely no idea. Is it for a
case or are you interested in getting
a tattoo?

(21:54)
Case.
SH

(21:56)
Interesting one?

(21:58)
I’d say 7/10 for now. Can’t say
more until it’s solved.
SH

(22:01)
Have fun then. You can text me
again if you need more medical
advice.

(22:02)
Or if you want to chat.


March 27th
(22:14)
I solved it.
SH

(22:18)
Cheers! Who did it, was it the butler?

(22:19)
Where did you hear that? There
was no butler involved in the case.
SH

(22:22)
It was a joke. You know, 'the
butler did it'?

(22:24)
I have no idea what you’re talking
about, and I can assure you that the
butler hardly ever does it. In all my
cases, it only happened twice.
SH

(22:27)
Never mind. So, tell me, were you
brilliant again?

(22:29)
A smuggling ring was trading in
Chinese antiquities. It was pretty
straightforward once I cracked the
code they were using to
communicate.
SH

(22:31)
Your life sounds like a spy movie. Do
you have a gorgeous P.A. with short
skirts, stilettos and a perfect aim?

(22:31)
No.
SH

(22:31)
My brother does.
SH

(22:32)
What does your brother do?

(22:34)
He rules the world. At least, that’s
what he makes it sound like when
he talks about it.
SH

(22:37)
Hahaha! People who say siblings get
less annoying with time are idiots.

(22:39)
Hey, listen, I’m sorry I asked for your
name the other day.

(22:39)
It’s fine.
SH

(22:42)
I’ve never done this before, so it felt a
little strange, but I don’t need to
know your name, just as you don’t need
to know mine. We can be two complete
strangers texting from time to time.

(22:44)
Or we could be nothing at all.

(22:46)
God, that must be a rambling record,
I’m sorry.

(22:50)
You’re doing fine.
SH

(22:54)
Yeah, I bet I am. It’s getting late, so
I’ll head to bed. I started a new job a
few days ago and it would look
horribly unprofessional if I fell asleep.

(22:56)
Good night!

(23:57)
My name is Sherlock.
SH

Re: Wrong Number - 1d

[lotusduck.livejournal.com]

squee, dude. Squee.

Re: Wrong Number - 1b

[scruby.livejournal.com]

STOP YELLING AT ME!
SH

I loled so much at that.

Wrong Number - 2a

[(Anonymous)]

March 28th
(08:26)
That’s quite an unusual name (if it’s
your real name). Mine’s much more
ordinary: John.

(08:28)
I assure you it’s my real name, and
not the strangest one in the family.
SH

(08:35)
Airports are dreadful places.
SH

(08:36)
Aeroplanes are even worse.
SH

(08:47)
Where are you going?

(08:47)
Minsk.
SH

(08:49)
Why are you going there? You’ll
freeze your arse off.

(08:50)
A case, John, why else?
SH

(09:06)
I don’t know. You could be a hockey
player, or a rare stamp collector, or
a history enthusiast.

(09:07)
Wrong, wrong, and wrong.
SH

(09:09)
They were wild guesses, there’s not
much I can tell from a few texts.

(09:10)
I can tell a lot.
SH

(09:27)
Like what?

(09:28)
I already knew you were a doctor,
but this morning I learned that
you’re most likely a GP.
SH

(9:43)
How could you tell?

(9:44)
Your texting pattern. Fifteen
minutes of silence followed by a
few minutes of replies. Fifteen
more minutes of silence, etc.
SH

(9:46)
Yeah, alright, you got me. I started
as a GP very recently and I’m a slave
to the schedule.

(9:47)
You imply that you were doing
something different before.
Something you preferred, if your
use of the word ‘slave’ means
anything. What was it?
SH

(9:50)
Come on John, I know you’re not
the fastest with a mobile keyboard,
but you had three minutes to
answer that question.
SH

(9:52)
This is incredibly tedious.
SH

(9:53)
It’s a cold, give them a box of
tissues and send them home.
SH

(9:55)
Someone sat next to me and they
look like they’re about to start a
conversation. Texting makes me
seem occupied.
SH

(9:58)
It didn’t work.
SH

(10:00)
Now he’s offended and won’t stop
scoffing.
SH

(10:02)
If you’re willing to take
the risk of sitting beside strangers –
busy looking strangers – and
engaging conversation, you must be
ready to face the consequences.
SH

(10:05)
John. Your appointment has to be
over now.
SH

(10:07)
Jesus! I didn’t reply before because I
was using the loo. Then, I was
reading your other texts, and that
took a while because you text a
lot. Now I only have three
minutes left before I have to see
another patient.

(10:08)
What did you do to the chatty
stranger?

(10:09)
I told him he was a kleptomaniac.
SH

(10:09)
Tell me what you were doing before
you started working as a GP.
SH

(10:10)
Why don’t you guess, if you’re so
clever.

(10:11)
I never guess.
SH

(10:12)
I need to go; my flight is leaving
soon. Don’t think this conversation
is over.
SH

(10:26)
Have a nice flight!


March 29th
(12:03)
How’s Minsk?

(20:32)
Minsk was a waste of time. Back in
London. Can’t talk. Exciting things are
happening.
SH

(20:47)
Alright. Have fun, but be careful!

March 31st
(21:02)
Are you still alive? Are you involved
with the two bombings we had in
London?

(23:53)
Yes.
SH

Wrong Number - 2b

[(Anonymous)]

April 1st
(21:03)
I know I don't know you, so it's weird
that I'm worried, but can you please
confirm that you're still alive?


April 2nd 
(02:21)
Still alive. The last few days were
eventful to say the least.
SH

(02:23)
What happened?

(02:24)
I can't get into details, but it was the
most fascinating case I ever had to
solve. I think I've found my match!
SH

(02:25)
Your match?

(02:27)
Yes, John! The perfect opponent!
Someone intelligent enough to offer
a real challenge! You have no idea
how refreshing it was, how
thrilling!
SH

(02:29)
Well, I'm glad you had fun. Did you
manage to catch the evil genius?

(02:31)
I didn't, but he left with the promise
that we will meet again, so it's a
matter of time. Hopefully sooner
than later. Now that it's over I can
feel boredom creeping in again. I
need a new case.
SH

(02:33)
Has anyone you know been
murdered recently? Or kidnapped?
Kidnapping is interesting too.
SH

(02:34)
No, sorry to disappoint. It's late, why
are you still up?

(02:34)
Just came home. I don't think I'll be
able to sleep tonight.
SH

(02:36)
Adrenalin rush?

(02:36)
Yes.
SH

(02:37)
Lucky you.

(02:39)
Why are you still up?
SH

(02:42)
Can't sleep.

(02:43)
You'll fall asleep at work, isn't that
unprofessional?
SH

(02:46)
So I've heard, but when I'm like that,
it's hopeless, sleep just won't come.
I'm heating up takeaway and
making tea, that can always make
me feel better.

(02:48)
I'm having celebratory Chinese
takeaway with tea at the moment. I
couldn't agree more.
SH

(02:50)
I guess we're having dinner together.

(02:52)
So it would seem.
SH

(02:55)
I raise my mug to you meeting your
ideal nemesis. Or something like
that.

(02:55)
I'll drink to that.
SH

(02:56)
Cheers, mate.

(03:01)
Tell me, John, what did you do
before you became a GP?
SH

(03:05)
Can't you deduce that from the way I
use punctuation?

(03:07)
I can't see how I would;
punctuation has nothing to do with
medicine. Unless you weren't
working as a doctor before…but
what would punctuation have to do
with it?
SH

(03:13)
Were you a teacher? No, you
wouldn't value being a teacher
more than being a doctor. You were
a doctor before, but a different kind
of doctor. That's not helpful at all;
everything in the medical field
would be better than being a GP.
SH

(03:15)
Oi! Don't be an arse! Your job doesn't
even exist!

(03:15)
It exists. I invented it.
SH

(03:17)
Whatever you need to tell yourself ;-)

(03:17)
Now who's being an arse?
SH

(03:20)
I'm kidding. For some strange
reason, I like you.

(03:21)
Yet, you won't tell me what you did
before.
SH

(03:24)
Isn't it more fun that way, puzzle
lover?

(03:26)
When I'll get it right, you'll tell me?
SH

(03:27)
Sure.

(03:30)
I'm done with my late dinner, so I'll
head out for a walk. Thanks for your
company. It was a pleasure, as
always.

(03:31)
Likewise.
SH

Wrong Number - 2c

[(Anonymous)]

April 5th
(10:41)
Bored. Entertain me.
SH

(10:45)
Good morning to you too! I take it
you didn't find a new case?

(10:46)
You should see what I was offered,
John. An insult to my intelligence.
SH

(11:06)
Isn’t a stupid case better than no
case?

(11:09)
How dare you make me think you
were available for a discussion by
replying right away the first time?
You’re at work!
SH

(11:26)
Hahaha! Yeah, I was on my break
when you first texted me.

(11:28)
What were you offered? I'm sure it
wasn't that bad. Perhaps I can help
you choose.

(11:30)
A missing cat, John. A MISSING CAT!
That's the second time in a month!
Don't they know who I am?
SH

(11:47)
Wow, that's one gigantic ego you
have there.

(11:48)
A missing cat, a missing brooch, a
missing fiancé, a missing
government document, and a
missing iPhone. Can't anyone hold
on to anything?
SH

(11:50)
The missing fiancé sounds fun!

(11:52)
No. The fiancé never existed in the
first place; the girl’s stepfather was
pretending to be her fiancé so she
wouldn't leave (with her enormous
bank account).
SH

(12:07)
And I thought my family was
dysfunctional... Did you at least tell
the poor girl what was going on?

(12:07)
Not my problem.
SH

(12:08)
Sherlock!!! She needs to know!!!

(12:12)
I just sent her an email, happy?
SH

(12:28)
Quite. What about the missing
government document? That sounds
like it could end up being intriguing.

(12:30)
I would be working for my brother.
I'm not that bored.
SH

(12:47)
Sibling rivalry, ok then. What about
the missing brooch? It still sounds
better than a cat or iPhone. Maybe
the family's rich...

(12:47)
It's in Bristol.
SH

(12:48)
So?

(12:48)
Bristol, John.
SH

(12:50)
At least you wouldn't be bored.

(12:51)
Maybe.
SH

(13:15)
Listen, this is pretty entertaining, but
when I'm texting you I can't do any
paperwork. Also, I’m heading out for
lunch. Go to Bristol, solve a case, be
brilliant. I'll talk to you later.

(13:18)
Fine!
SH

Re: Wrong Number - 2c

[(Anonymous)]

Aw, this is adorable! You've got their voices down really well. More?

Re: Wrong Number - 2c

[(Anonymous)]

Really enjoying it so far! It's flowing nicely, its not cumbersome to read in text format. Can't wait for more!

Re: Wrong Number - 2c

[adrieunor.livejournal.com]

I could not stop laughing at the capslock. Whether I wanted to or not, I heard John shouting in my head. Awesome.

This is wonderful!

Re: Wrong Number - 2c

[peeveee.livejournal.com]

This is so good. I was grinning all the way through! I love epistolary fics like this, can't wait for more :)

Re: Wrong Number - 2c

[archea2.livejournal.com]

This is adorable!

Re: Wrong Number - 2c

[bluebellanon]

Love love love this! You've got their voices so right. Hope there'll be more. :)

Re: Wrong Number - 2c

[(Anonymous)]

...

Okay. So. Honestly, I don't like texting fics, and the prompt is the type I'd just skip over. I just glanced at the first few texts to see which direction you'd be taking the story in...and I was completely sucked in. You really show this odd growing relationship, and it's insanely compelling. Well done; can't wait to read more!

Wrong Number - 3a

[(Anonymous)]

April 7th
(21:52)
I'm in Bristol.
SH

(21:57)
What I thought was just a
missing family heirloom is
turning out to be a
blackmailing case. I need to
figure out who is blackmailing
whom, but there are too
many family members.
SH

(22:03)
I should be interviewing them at
the moment, but they’re asleep.
SH

(22:07)
Stupid bodies and their stupid
needs.
SH

(22:09)
John? Don’t tell me you’re
asleep too.
SH

(22:12)
John!
SH

(22:17)
John. John. John. John.
SH

(22:19)
I’m on a date with my girlfriend!
Succumb to your own body
needs and go to sleep.


April 8th
(12:23)
How is the missing brooch
turned into blackmailing?

...

(14:54)
Have you decided to run
away with the brooch to
start a consulting business
in Fiji?

(14:58)
I'm not sure Fiji is your style.
I don't know why, but I can
picture you in Switzerland.
Have you ever been?

(15:03)
I have. Strangely, my most
vivid memory is fighting with
my sister over who would
eat the chocolate the maid
had left on the hotel bed's
pillow.

(15:05)
I won. She was older and
stronger, but I could scream
louder.

(15:18)
For the record, I'm aware
that I'm talking to myself. This
is so you'll see what I have to
endure when you go on a
texting streak.

…

(19:34)
I get it, you're not available.
Text back when you have some
free time, alright?


April 10th
(08:17)
Still no news? That's strange,
you're not usually the silent type.

(08:27)
You're on a case, though. You
see, that's the problem: you seem
like the kind of person who gets
himself into all sorts of dangerous
situations. Maybe I'll open the paper
and see an article about the death
of London's greatest consulting
detective.

(08:32)
The world’s.
SH

(08:47)
Finally, there you are! What do you
mean 'the world’s'?

(08:48)
I'm the only consulting detective in
the world. It's fair to assume that
I'm also the best.
SH

(08:50)
According to that logic, you're also
the worst.

(08:50)
Shut up!
SH

…

(12:33)
So, tell me, how's the case going?

(12:34)
Oh, I don't know. Are you actually
free to talk or will I disturb another
one of your dates?
SH

(12:35)
I'm talking to you, aren't I?

(12:36)
It's better to verify, especially after
you left me alone in Bristol.
SH

(12:36)
What?!

(12:38)
You convinced me to take the brooch
case in Bristol, so obviously I assumed
you would be available for
brainstorming sessions when I
required them.
SH

(12:42)
I honestly can't figure out if you're
joking or not. You have to be joking.

(12:42)
Most definitely not.
SH

(12:43)
You're joking.

(12:44)
I'm not. You pushed me into taking
the case!
SH

(12:45)
Yes! So you would stop bothering
me at work!

(12:46)
I'm sorry John, I will stop
bothering you.
SH

(12:48)
You're insane.

(12:51)
Sherlock, come on, I can't even
apologise because there's nothing
to apologise for.

…

(16:45)
If you insist: I'm sorry for not
realising that by encouraging you
to take a case, I was also agreeing
to be at your beck and call for
the duration of the case.

Wrong Number - 3b

[(Anonymous)]

April 13th
(11:21)
Are you still sulking?

(11:22)
Sherlock.

(11:23)
Sherlock.

(11:24)
Sherlock!

(11:27)
Sherlock Sherlock Sherlock
Sherlock Sherlock Sherlock
Sherlock Sherlock Sherlock

(11:29)
Sherlock?

(11:30)
Hey, Sherlock!

(11:31)
I don't know what you're hoping to
achieve by turning my jacket into a
vibrating device.
SH

(11:32)
This. Exactly this.

(11:32)
I don't have time for this.
SH

(11:34)
Yes you do. You answered far too
quickly, so you don't have a case.

(11:40)
That was some serious deduction.
At the very least you should
acknowledge it to encourage the
good behaviour.

(11:40)
What are you, a dog?
SH

(11:46)
Does brainstorming with someone
else really help when you’re on a
case?

(11:49)
Doing it with you would have been
my first experience with a person.
It does help when I do it with the
skull, so I was expecting positive
results.
SH

(11:51)
You talk to a skull?! No, don’t
answer that, never mind.

(11:57)
Here's what I suggest. Next time,
tell me if you think you could use
my help. I'm not promising
anything, but if I can, I'll try to
make myself available.

(11:59)
I wouldn't want to impose.
SH

(12:04)
Don't be a berk. You're a shit
detective if you can't tell I'm
fascinated by your cases. I would
love to help, even if it's just by
being your sounding board.

(12:05)
Sounds good?

(12:07)
Acceptable.
SH

(12:09)
Great. I’m at work now, and
no matter how long I stare
at my paperwork, it won’t fill
itself. So, I’m off. Text me
later, ok?


April 16th
(18:06)
Case.
SH

(18:12)
Does that mean you’d like my
help with something?

(18:13)
If you’re available.
SH

(18:14)
When?

(18:14)
Now!
SH

(18:17)
Bit short notice and I'm not home.
Hold on, I'll see what I can do.

(18:22)
Fine. I can talk. What's the case?

(18:27)
Are you familiar with the Tilly
Briggs Pleasure Cruises?
SH

(18:29)
I’ve seen the ads, but it’s not
something I could ever afford,
so I didn’t pay it much
attention.

(18:31)
It’s a boat renting company.
They have a small fleet that
people can rent when they
want to take a small cruise
on the Thames.
SH

(18:34)
Three days ago, one of their
boats was found abandoned
close to Kew.
SH

(18:35)
There was a couple plus the
captain on board when the
boat left, and no one was found.
All the safety devices were still
on the boat. No one has seen
any of them since they got on
that boat.
SH

(18:37)
Apparently the couple wanted
to have a romantic dinner, but
the food was untouched on
the table when the boat was
found.
SH

(18:41)
God, that’s weird. Any sign
of violence?

(18:41)
None whatsoever.
SH

(18:42)
I want all the hypotheses that
cross your mind. Even those you
think are silly. Perhaps it will
trigger something in me.
SH

(18:47)
Kidnapping. Alien invasion.
Pirates.

(18:47)
Really, John? Aliens before
pirates? Pirates was the first
thing that crossed my mind.
SH

(18:49)
Shut up, I’m thinking!

(18:53)
A suicidal pact? They rent a boat
and they jump off together?

(18:53)
Why go through all the trouble of
serving dinner? Unlikely.
SH

(19:11)
Has the boat been inspected?
Could there be a defect that
would have prompted them to
abandon ship?

(19:12)
Yes. No.
SH

(19:19)
Honestly Sherlock, I have no
idea. Maybe the answer is not
in the boat itself, but in the
passengers? Did they have any
reasons to disappear?

(19:21)
Maybe. The police is looking
into their backgrounds as we
speak. I’ll get their files when
they’re done with it.
SH

(19:22)
Yes, I know what you’re about
to say: It’s an enormous
waste of time, and things would
proceed faster if you were allowed
to look at the files right away.
SH

(19:24)
That’s not what I was going to
say.

(19:26)
I’m sorry I can’t help.

(19:27)
You’re kind of helping.
SH

(19:28)
Ha! That’s nice of you.

Wrong Number - 3c

[(Anonymous)]

(19:31)
Where are you?
SH

(19:33)
My girlfriend’s flat. We’re
planning a trip to New
Zealand.

(19:35)
Oh. You didn’t have to help if
you didn’t want to.
SH

(19:37)
It’s fine, I really wanted to.

(19:38)
Have you ever been to New
Zealand?

(19:39)
Never.
SH

(19:41)
Are you a 15-year-old kid?

(19:41)
Have you seen how kids spell
nowadays? Surely you can’t
think I’m one of them.
SH

(19:43)
Kids nowadays? Forget what I
said, you’re 97.

(19:44)
Your girlfriend.
SH

(19:45)
What about her?

(19:46)
You told her you were texting
someone about a case. She
thinks it’s a prank.
SH

(19:47)
You’re right. Of course you’re
right.

(19:50)
Do you think I’m pranking you?
SH

(19:53)
If you are, it’s one of the most
elaborate pranks I’ve ever
seen.

(19:54)
You didn’t answer my question.
SH

(19:57)
No, I don’t think it’s a prank.
But she said you could be
anyone or could have bad
intentions.

(19:58)
And now you can’t stop thinking
about it.
SH

(20:00)
Maybe you’re the prankster with
bad intentions.
SH

(20:03)
I’m not. I’m also older than
15 and far younger than 97.

(20:04)
If it can reassure you: it’s the
same for me. You can tell that
to your girlfriend.
SH

(20:06)
Just got the passengers’ files.
SH

(20:08)
Great! Tell me if there’s
anything I can do.

(20:13)
You should consider checking
out Tunnel Beach. I hear it’s
interesting.
SH

(20:16)
You said you’ve never been
there.

...

(22:11)
Did some research.
SH

(22:16)
I’ll keep that in mind. Thank
you.


April 17th
(04:03)
I need your inferior mind.
SH

(04:05)
Jesus Christ, my inferior mind
and I are asleep.

(04:05)
You can’t be asleep, it’s only…
Oh.
SH

(04:06)
I’m sorry John, I’ve been
focusing on the case for so
long that I lost track of time.
SH

(04:10)
Apology accepted. Next time
you need someone’s help,
try not waking them up in
the process and don’t
refer to their minds as
inferior.

(04:11)
Don’t be insulted. Your mind
is inferior compared to mine,
but it’s far superior to some
people’s.
SH

(04:11)
I think I might be on the right
track to solving the case, but
I need to know how a normal
person thinks.
SH

(04:13)
Fine, I’m awake anyway.
But there’s no way I’m
doing this without tea, so
don’t start bombarding
me if I don’t answer fast
enough for you.

(04:13)
I’ll try to refrain myself.
SH

(04:13)
But hurry up.
SH

(04:20)
Alright, I’m ready.

(04:20)
You’re a millionaire. You’re not
famous enough to interest
the media, but you have
enough power and influence
to go to bed every night
feeling pretty pleased about
yourself. Can you see it?
SH

(04:21)
I can. It’s a lot nicer than
the dream I was having
when you woke me up.

(04:21)
You have a wife, an obedient
dog. You also have regular
homosexual intercourse with
rent boys.
SH

(04:22)
Sounds like my regular
Saturday evenings.

(04:22)
John…
SH

(04:23)
Sorry, couldn’t resist. Go
ahead.

(04:23)
You have masochist
tendencies that your wife
refuses to indulge, so you
often get a bit rough with
the rent boys. Not always
consensually.
SH

(04:24)
I’m not a very good man.

(04:24)
No you’re not.
SH

(04:25)
One night, things go too far.
Maybe you’re angry, maybe
it’s too much enthusiasm,
maybe the boy made you
angry. Either way, you kill
him.
SH

(04:26)
You know that your life will
be ruined if the story comes
out, so you do what movies
have thought you to do:
you make it seem like it was
a suicide, you wipe all traces
of your presence in the
room, and you go looking
for a solid alibi.
SH

Wrong Number - 4a

[(Anonymous)]

I know the fest is over, but this has gotten out of hand. It was supposed to be a short exchange followed by a meeting, but it has developed into something more, so it will most likely continue for a while.

A small change in formatting for this part because John will spend most of it in New Zealand. To deal with the time difference, I have written what time it is for Sherlock and John, but John's time is in italics.

***

April 20th
(09:02) (20:02)
John, I've thought about it.
We've been talking for over
two months, and yet we know
almost nothing about each
other. However, you are
familiar with how I work, and
I've seen you use my methods
once or twice.
SH

(09:05) (20:05)
Yes...?

(09:05) (20:05)
You should commit a crime.
You'd be the ideal person to
do it. Don't tell me which one,
just do it, and then I'll have
to solve it.
SH

(09:06) (20:06)
Your plan is flawed. If you're
expecting me to commit a
crime, you'll know it was me,
there won't be any challenge.

(09:06) (20:06)
Isn't how more interesting than
whom?
SH

(09:07) (20:07)
Not really, no.

(09:08) (20:08)
You should play Cluedo, then
you would get to find out who,
how, and where!

(09:08) (20:08)
I can't play by myself.
SH

(09:08) (20:08)
No, I suppose not.

(09:09) (20:09)
Don't you have any hobbies?

(09:09) (20:09)
Yes.
SH

(09:10) (20:10)
Can't you entertain yourself
with one of them?

(09:11) (20:11)
No. I need a crime for my
hobby. No crime, no hobby.
Hence, boredom.
SH

(09:11) (20:11)
There's nothing else? Nothing
beside crime?

(09:11) (20:11)
No.
SH

(09:12) (20:12)
There has to be something else
you like to do.

(09:14) (20:14)
Collecting old cars, playing cricket,
baking, reading biographies of old
or dead people, beekeeping,
playing the piano, writing erotica...

(09:14) (20:14)
Are those your hobbies, John?
SH

(09:16) (20:16)
No, I'm trying to find some for
you.

(09:18) (20:18)
I play the violin and I enjoy
chemistry.
SH

(09:20) (20:20)
Ok, that helps. I don't see how
you could combine those two
things to make yourself a new
hobby. Pouring acid on violins
feels like a crime.

(09:21) (20:21)
Hey! Chemistry, violin, and crime!
I've got it!

(09:21) (20:21)
You're an idiot.
SH

(09:23) (20:23)
Yeah, well you're texting an idiot
every time you’re bored, I don't
know which is worse.

(09:26) (20:26)
Did you study chemistry in
school?

(09:26) (20:26)
Yes. You did too, at least a bit.
SH

(09:28) (20:28)
Didn't have a choice, did I? God,
I was bad. Awful. But you, you
must have been brilliant.

(09:28) (20:28)
Yes.
SH

(09:29) (20:29)
Do you have hobbies?
SH

(09:32) (20:32)
I do. I used to play rugby, but
now I just watch. I enjoy good
pints in quiet pubs, action
movies, reading... That's pretty
much it. I sound incredibly
boring.

(09:33) (20:33)
Quite. Thankfully, you've got
me and my cases to put some
excitement into your life.
SH

(09:34) (20:34)
Haha, I don't need excitement,
thank you very much.

(09:34) (20:34)
You're lying.
SH

(09:41) (20:41)
Yes I am. How can you tell?

(09:43) (20:43)
After my meeting with my ideal
opponent, I came home and
texted you. You asked if I was
experiencing an adrenalin high,
and when I said yes, you told
me I was lucky.
SH

(09:43) (20:43)
Oh!
SH

(09:44) (20:44)
Why don't you play rugby
anymore?
SH

(09:45) (20:45)
I'm not sure I like the sound
of that 'oh'.

(09:45) (20:45)
Why don't you play rugby
anymore?
SH

(09:47) (20:47)
I'm not getting out of this, am
I?

(09:47) (20:47)
Why don't you play rugby
anymore?
SH

(09:48) (20:48)
Fine, you annoying sod. I was
injured, so I can't play anymore
or I’ll hurt my shoulder.

(09:49) (20:49)
The best moment of a deduction
is when everything clicks, when
the pieces of the puzzle align.
That moment right before I
announce what I just deduced,
when I'm still not entirely sure
whether I'm right or not.
SH

Wrong Number - 4b

[(Anonymous)]

(09:50) (20:50)
So it's a Schrödinger deduction?

(09:52) (20:52)
You were an army doctor.
SH

(09:54) (20:54)
Do you want me to open the box
or do you prefer not to know?

(09:54) (20:54)
Of course I want to know.
SH

(09:55) (20:55)
You're right.

(09:56) (20:56)
This is the second best part:
being right.
SH

(09:59) (20:59)
Ok, let me guess how you did
it. The adrenalin rush craving,
obviously. The wound in the
shoulder that was serious
enough to prevent me from
playing rugby, therefore
serious enough to have me
discharged from the army.
Add that to my new job at
the surgery, and you probably
deduced that I've been back
in London for less than a year.

(10:00) (21:00)
John, you've robbed me of my
third favourite part.
SH

(10:01) (21:01)
Showing off?

(10:01) (21:01)
Precisely.
SH

(10:02) (21:02)
There was something else
that led me to that conclusion,
can you figure out what it
was?
SH

(10:03) (21:03)
I have no idea.

(10:03) (21:03)
You're very authoritative.
SH

(10:04) (21:04)
I'm not!

(10:04) (21:04)
You are. You're often ordering me
to bed or pushing me to accept a
case.
SH

(10:05) (21:05)
Huh. I didn't even notice. I’m
sorry

(10:06) (21:06)
Don’t be. Were you shot?
SH

(10:09) (21:09)
Yeah, I was.

(10:10) (21:10)
Have you lost a lot of mobility?
SH

(10:13) (21:13)
No mobility, no. There was
some nerve damage, though,
and I have an intermittent
tremor in my left hand. Which
happens to be my dominant
hand.

(10:14) (21:14)
Interesting. It’s not enough to
stop you from being a GP.
SH

(10:15) (21:15)
Well, I can still sign a
prescription.

(10:16) (21:16)
So, violin?

(10:17) (21:17)
Is that your attempt at changing
the subject? Because it's not very
subtle.
SH

(10:19) (21:19)
I wasn't trying to be subtle. I
was trying to change the
subject. So, violin?

(10:19) (21:19)
Yes, violin.
SH

(10:20) (21:20)
Any good?

(10:20) (21:20)
Quite.
SH

(10:21) (21:21)
What can you play?

(10:22) (21:22)
A lot of things. Some of my
favourite composers are Bach,
Mendelssohn, Paganini, Tartini,
and Sarasate. I also write my
own pieces.
SH

(10:24) (21:24)
Wow. Is there anything you
can't do?

(10:24) (21:24)
Probably. I just haven't tried
them yet.
SH

(10:25) (21:25)
Hahaha! I know what you can't
do: be modest.

(10:26) (21:26)
Modesty doesn't exist. Modesty
is trying to show off while taking
the scenic route.
SH

(10:28) (21:28)
That's...not entirely false. God,
you would be a hit at a doctors'
Christmas party.

(10:28) (21:28)
That sounds incredibly dull.
SH

(10:30) (21:30)
Correct me if I'm wrong, but you
don't seem to like a lot of people.

(10:32) (21:32)
You're not wrong. Interacting with
other people is the bane of my
existence.
SH

(10:34) (21:34)
That sounds a bit...lonely.

(10:34) (21:34)
I assure you it's not.
SH

(10:35) (21:35)
So you have friends? People you
see from time to time who don't
annoy you?

(10:36) (21:36)
I have a landlady. Does that
count?
SH

(10:37) (21:37)
I honestly don't know. Anyone
else? A girlfriend?

(10:38) (21:38)
No, absolutely not.
SH

(10:38) (21:38)
Boyfriend?

(10:40) (21:40)
Is that a hint of pity I detect
behind your texts?
SH

(10:42) (21:42)
No, it's just... You never feel the
need for some company?

(10:43) (21:43)
I'm never lonely. I'd rather be
alone than forced to endure
someone else's company.
SH

(10:46) (21:46)
I'm not sure I want to ask, but
what about me?

(10:46) (21:46)
What about you?
SH

(10:47) (21:47)
We talk almost every day,
sometimes for several hours.

(10:48) (21:48)
Indeed.
SH

(10:49) (21:49)
Do you actually enjoy it?

(10:50) (21:50)
Believe me, we wouldn't be
talking if you were a burden.
SH

Wrong Number - 4c

[(Anonymous)]

(10:52) (21:52)
Is that your way of saying you
enjoy my virtual company?

(10:53) (21:53)
Something like that.
SH

(10:54) (21:54)
Maybe we're on to something,
maybe that's the way of doing
it.

(10:54) (21:54)
Doing what?
SH

(10:55) (21:55)
Talking to people.

(10:56) (21:56)
I completely agree, but I didn't
think you would.
SH

(10:56) (21:56)
Why not?

(10:57) (21:57)
You have a girlfriend, friends,
people you talk to on a regular
basis and who don't make you
want to hit your head against
the wall.
SH

(10:59) (21:59)
Yeah I know. Maybe I'm a bit
weird.

(11:00) (22:00)
I don’t find you stranger than
usual.
SH

(11:03) (22:03)
It’s just…I’m in New Zealand
with my girlfriend, it’s our first
trip together, and it was
supposed to be brilliant.

(11:03) (22:03)
It’s not?
SH

(11:04) (22:04)
It’s fine. But that’s the problem:
it’s just fine.

(11:06) (22:06)
I don’t think I understand.
SH

(11:08) (22:08)
I can’t talk about this while
she’s in the room with me.

(11:09) (22:09)
Oh. Ok. I didn’t know you were
on your trip, you can text me
when you’re back in London.
SH

(11:10) (22:10)
No, wait. I’ll be right back.

(11:21) (22:21)
Alright, I escaped to the hotel
bar for a scotch.

(11:22) (22:22)
Sounds like a classy tactical
retreat.
SH

(11:23) (22:23)
Well, I was in the army.

(11:23) (22:23)
Does that mean you wish to
talk about your relationship?
SH

(11:24) (22:24)
If you don’t mind.

(11:25) (22:25)
No, I don’t. Go ahead.
SH

(11:27) (22:27)
I’m not sure I know where
to start.

(11:28) (22:28)
You can start by telling me
what’s the problem with having
a ‘fine’ trip with your girlfriend.
SH

(11:32) (22:32)
I suppose you should know that
she’s my boss. So it was always
a bit strange, we were very
comfortable and domestic very
quickly. We’d leave for work
together, sometimes she’d pack
my lunch, sometimes I would
pack hers. We spend so much
time at work together that it
feels like we never got to do the
dating phase.

(11:37) (22:37)
By going on a trip together, by
spending a lot of time together
away from work, I thought we
would get to have that phase.
You know, the passionate phase,
the thrill of just being together.

(11:38) (22:38)
I suppose that’s not what
happened.
SH

(11:41) (22:41)
No, not at all. It feels like we’ve
been in a relationship for over
50 years. I feel like my parents!
We’ve been dating for a little
over a month, it shouldn’t feel
like 50 years.

(11:42) (22:42)
Isn’t it what people want? Stable
relationships, comfort,
domesticity, things like that.
SH

(11:46) (22:46)
Yes! And it’s what I thought I
wanted. While I was getting
shot at in Afghanistan, I was
often thinking about what my
life would be like once my tour
was over. I was thinking about
finding a nice woman, getting
a nice place, settling down…

(11:48) (22:48)
And now that I can have that…
No, now that I do have that,
I’m not sure I want it anymore.

(11:49) (22:49)
That’s the curse of being human:
never being satisfied.
SH

(11:50) (22:50)
Yeah yeah, Mick Jagger, I know,
but I don’t think that’s it.

(11:50) (22:50)
Who’s Mick Jagger?
SH

(11:52) (22:52)
You can’t be serious. If you are:
haha, very funny. If you’re not,
use that huge brain of yours and
Google it.

(11:58) (22:58)
It’s just…so weird to be on that
trip. I thought it was going to be
all heat and passion, I thought
we wouldn’t be able to take our
hands off each other, I thought
being away from work would
spark something, but it didn’t.

(11:59) (22:59)
She folded my socks earlier.
She actually folded my bloody
socks!!!

(12:01) (23:01)
You don’t like people touching
your socks, I can completely
understand. I don’t like it either
when people touch my socks.
SH

Wrong Number - 5a

[(Anonymous)]

May 3rd
(12:04)
Have you heard about that
thing called the Itunes? They
have all sorts of music that
you can buy and listen to on
your computer. No need to
go to a music store, it’s
pretty amazing.

(12:07)
Yes, John, I know about it.
It’s actually called the
iTunes Music Store. iTunes
is the media platform.
SH

(12:07)
I used to think you were
close to my age, but now I’m
not sure. I’m thinking you
could be in your sixties.
SH

(12:08)
Oi!

(12:08)
Your typing speed, although
it has improved since we
started texting regularly, is
unbelievably slow, and you
don’t seem very good with
technology. Sixty, at least.
SH

(12:09)
I’m not sixty! I was a
surgeon in the army; I had
better things to do than
fiddle with a computer!

(12:09)
Oh fine, you’re not sixty.
SH

(12:11)
How old are you?
SH

(12:11)
Can’t you guess?

(12:12)
Isn’t it what I just did?
SH

(12:13)
How old are you?

(12:13)
You know my methods. Use
them.
SH

(12:15)
Alright.

(12:19)
I don’t have all day.
SH

(12:20)
What were you expecting?
A string of intelligent
deductions based on your
last few texts? I need to
observe, to study.

(12:26)
Well I won’t be able to guess
if you stop talking to me.

(12:28)
Have you bought anything on
the iTunes Music Store?
SH

(12:30)
I spent most of the morning
buying songs from some of
the composers you
mentioned the other day.
If you can really play those
pieces, you must be an
amazing violinist.

(12:30)
What did you buy?
SH

(12:33)
I started with this
Mendelssohn guy because
I love his Songs Without
Words. I got his Violin
Concerto in E Minor.

(12:33)
By whom?
SH

(12:33)
Janine Jansen.

(12:34)
I’m not surprised.
SH

(12:34)
Why not?

(12:35)
Woman on the cover. Showing
quite a lot of skin. Cuddling
her violin close to her chest.
SH

(12:35)
You like them pale, don’t you?
SH

(12:37)
A lot of skin? We can only see
her arms, grandad.

(12:37)
It’s an emotional performance.
Did you like it?
SH

(12:38)
Very much. Sarasate is also
nice, but a bit insane.

(12:39)
What do you mean?
SH

(12:41)
I can’t believe a person can
play his compositions.
They’re so fast and mad and
I can’t imagine someone’s
arm moving quick enough to
play those pieces.

(12:41)
It’s feasible with the proper
amount of concentration and
practice.
SH

(12:42)
Yeah, maybe.

(12:43)
I have a date tonight, and I’m
sure it will be great date music.

(12:43)
Do dates require their own
score?
SH

(12:44)
You come back from a nice
restaurant with someone, put
one of those Spanish Dances,
set the mood…

(12:44)
Really, John. Is dating the
only thing on your mind?
SH

(12:45)
Sorry, I forgot that dating
is a sensitive subject with
you.

(12:45)
It’s not a sensitive subject!
SH

(12:46)
Yeah it is, but it’s ok.

(12:47)
If you had a traumatic date
experience that you want
to talk about, you can talk
to me.

(12:48)
Of course that’s where your
simple mind goes first. I
didn’t have a traumatic date
experience, John.
SH

(12:48)
Fine, you didn’t. Just wanted
to say that you can talk to
me.

(12:49)
That won’t be necessary.
SH

(12:49)
Also, I have better things
to do than participate in this
ridiculous conversation.
SH

(12:50)
Fine.

(…)

(14:32)
Here’s my first guess for
your age: 5!

(…)

(20:22)
John, I need your medical
expertise.
SH

(20:23)
Now, preferably.
SH

(20:24)
If not now, then in the next
five minutes.
SH

Wrong Number - 5b

[(Anonymous)]

(20:24)
Someone’s life could depend
on it.
SH

(20:49)
Sherlock! You know I’m on
a date! Whatever you need,
just Google it!

(20:49)
Someone’s life it at stake.
SH

(20:52)
For God’s sake, leave me
alone! You know that thing
you used to do when you
didn’t know me and you
needed something? Do that!

(20:53)
Fine. There’s no need to be
that sensitive.
SH


May 4th
(09:12)
I saw in the paper that the
killer cabbie died in prison.
What happened?

(09:13)
Aneurism.
SH

(09:15)
Is that why he was killing
people? He had nothing to
lose.

(09:15)
Yes.
SH

(09:15)
Also, he got paid for every
person he killed.
SH

(09:16)
Who would do that?

(09:16)
Only one person: my perfect
opponent.
SH

(09:17)
Him again, eh? I've never met
the guy and I really, really
dislike him.

(09:18)
I don't understand why. Yes,
he's got a taste for the
theatrics, he has truly
appalling music taste, and
he's walking the thin line
between crazy and brilliant,
but his mind is fascinating.
SH

(09:18)
He also has very good taste
in suits.
SH

(09:20)
Look at you! You're
completely smitten with him!

(09:20)
I am not smitten!
SH

(09:21)
The guy blew up two
buildings!

(09:21)
Well, yes.
SH

(09:22)
And you're not bothered by
that?

(09:22)
He's a criminal; I don't have
high expectations of his
morals.
SH

(09:23)
It would be like being
disappointed that Jack the
Ripper didn't hold the doors
for delicate, old ladies.
SH

(09:23)
He didn't? The miscreant!

(09:23)
But that's not even what I was
talking about. He killed dozens
of people for no reason!!

(09:24)
He was playing the game, that
was his reason.
SH

(09:24)
That's not a valid reason!!!

(09:25)
Tell me, army doctor John,
what's a valid reason for
killing dozens of people?
SH

(09:26)
If you think I'm having this
discussion with a perfect
stranger, you're wrong.

(09:26)
No, tell me, I'm intrigued.
Because your country orders
you to?
SH

(09:27)
Shut up.

(09:27)
Because it happens kilometres
away and it doesn't matter?
SH

(09:28)
Seriously, shut up. Don't talk
about things you know nothing
of.

(09:28)
Is it because they're bad
people, and bad people
deserve to die? How does that
not interfere with your
Hippocratic oath?
SH

(09:29)
No, that's it, I'm out.

(09:29)
What? What did I say?
SH

(09:31)
Becoming a doctor, becoming
a soldier, those were the two
most important choices I
made in my entire life.

(09:33)
You've made your opinion
perfectly clear, and I won't
debate what I am, who I am,
with an egotistical prick who
thinks it's perfectly fine for
innocent people to die, as
long as he gets to play
superhero with his super
villain. Good luck with that.

(09:34)
John, honestly, don't be like
that.
SH

(09:38)
Fine, don't speak anymore if
you don't want to.
SH

(10:03)
It’s not like I don’t have more
important things to do.
SH


May 7th
(16:45)
How long would it take for a
corpse to decompose if it had
only been half embalmed?
SH

(18:02)
Seriously, you're still angry
about that? It was three days
ago!
SH


May 8th
(13:07)
It's surprisingly easy to
procure embalming fluids in
London. I'll test the
decomposing time of half
embalmed body parts, and
then I'll be able to give you a
clear answer, just in case
you’re interested.
SH

(13:53)
If I'm about to do something
incredibly stupid, now would
be a good time to tell me,
otherwise I'm starting the
experiment.
SH


May 10th
(19:22)
John? Are you talking to me
today?
SH


May 11th
(15:16)
An unpleasant smell is
starting to develop in my flat,
which is strange because it's
too early for my hands to be
that advanced in their
decomposition process.
SH


May 12th
(11:11)
There definitely is an
unpleasant smell in my flat. SH

Wrong Number - 5c

[(Anonymous)]

May 15th
(10:54)
My landlady wasn't pleased
about the smell. I was chided
like a child for forgetting
about the jar of fingers I had
in a cupboard.
SH

(10:55)
Is one really supposed to keep
track of every single body part
they bring into their own flat?
A flat for which they pay rent?
SH

(10:57)
I knew you would agree with
me.
SH

(10:59)
She also threw away my half
embalmed hands.
SH

(11:01)
I will sneak into her flat
tonight while she's sleeping
and steal her herbal soothers.
Two can play that game.
SH

(…)

(14:13)
I must admit, John, that our
exchanges were a lot more
pleasant when you were
actually replying.
SH


May 18th
(12:38)
Are you waiting for an
apology? Because I won't
apologise.
SH


May 21st
(16:32)
I started a new experiment,
one that doesn't involve body
parts. I need to know how
well laptops can function
under heat.
SH

(16:34)
I think you would enjoy it; it
would most likely expand
your technology knowledge.
SH


May 22nd
(07:22)
You won't hear from me for
the next few days; this
experiment will require my
constant, full attention.
SH

(07:28)
Hopefully, by the time I'm
done, you will have decided
to speak with me again.
SH


May 26th
(22:46)
I've melted my laptop!
SH


May 27th
(08:13)
I need a new computer, but I
don't know what to get. Do
you have one? What do you
have?
SH

(10:17)
I think I want a Mac.
SH


May 28th
(14:48)
Apparently all one needs to
be a genius these days is a
blue T-Shirt with an apple on
it.
SH

(14:51)
Is that the secret to getting
more credibility at Scotland
Yard? I wonder where they
keep the fruit garments...
SH


May 29th
(12:45)
John, you have no idea how
stubborn I can be.
SH


May 30th
(00:34)
It would mean a lot if you
decided to speak with me
again. Just for tonight.
SH

(00:40)
John?
SH

(00:42)
Please.
SH

June 1st
(17:56)
I prefer to tell you in advance:
if you hear something on the
news about someone stealing
a bus, it was completely
necessary and it was the only
way to solve the case.
SH


June 3rd
(12:34)
Did you really steal a bus?

(12:46)
Borrowed it.
SH

(12:46)
The tourists seemed to enjoy
it.
SH

(12:47)
You stole a tourist bus?!

(12:47)
Borrowed, John.
SH

(12:48)
You’re done sulking?
SH

(12:50)
I still think you were an arse.

(12:51)
Why are you talking to me
today? I’m still an arse.
SH

(12:51)
Yeah, I’m sure you are.

(12:52)
Someone was playing the
violin.

(12:52)
What? That makes no sense.
SH

(12:54)
I am at this little sandwich
shop, having lunch, and this
beautiful violin music was
coming from one of the
windows. It was…I don’t
know how to describe it.

(12:54)
It was angry, but beautiful.

(12:55)
I still don’t understand.
SH

(12:55)
I started wondering if you
would be able to play it.

(12:56)
And it made me realise that
even if you’re an arse, I still
miss our silly conversations.

(12:56)
I would hardly describe them
as ‘silly’.
SH

(12:56)
Shut up, Sherlock, I need to
get this out.

(12:58)
I’d like to start talking to you
again, but everything about
Afghanistan and about the
army is off limits.

(12:59)
We obviously have different
views on the subject, and I
think we should be fine as
long as we avoid it.

(12:59)
What do you think?

(13:00)
Acceptable.
SH

(13:00)
Good.

(13:01)
This violin music, what was
it?
SH

(13:02)
I didn’t recognise it. It was
slow at first, almost languid.
Then, it was faster and… I
don’t know, it was aggressive
and lamenting. It was like
someone was pouring their
heart out.

(13:04)
Anyway, it sounded really
complicated.

(13:04)
You’re not very good at this.
SH

(13:04)
Well, you’re the expert.

(13:05)
Are you still at the sandwich
shop? Are they still playing?
SH

(13:06)
No, I left. I’m on my way
back to the surgery.

(13:07)
I’ll text you later tonight, all
right?

(13:07)
Good.
SH

Unsent message – (13:45)
I think it was me you heard
playing the violin. Tartini.
Devil’s Trill.
SH

(…)