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sherlockbbc_fic ([personal profile] sherlockbbc_fic) wrote2015-06-10 03:45 pm

Prompting Part XXXVII

This is the new prompting post for the Sherlock Prompting Meme. Prompts from LJ can still be filled there with links here or filled here in the new overflow post.


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When you fill a prompt, please use the appropriate Filled Prompts Post to archive your fill (there are instructions on the actual post).

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Sherlock gets stuck in an awkward situation

(Anonymous) 2015-06-15 02:42 pm (UTC)(link)
Remember that time some guy got a vibrator stuck up his butt, had to go to the hospital and livetweeted the whole thing? (

I'd like a fic in which the same happens to Sherlock (well, minus the livetweeting.) Like, Sherlock gets something stuck up his ass and has to go to the clinic where John works to have it taken out because he's too embarrassed to be visited by anyone else.

I'd rather they were already flatmates/friends rather than 'alternative meeting' fic. Slash or gen are both find.

Re: Sherlock gets stuck in an awkward situation

(Anonymous) 2015-06-15 05:21 pm (UTC)(link)
I remember reading something, sort of, similar, though it was part of a bigger picture.
If you're interested in a rec I can try to find it.

Otherwise, +1!

Re: Sherlock gets stuck in an awkward situation

(Anonymous) 2015-06-15 07:39 pm (UTC)(link)

if you could dig up that fic yes, I'd appreciate it :) (unless it's the one in which John gets a beer bottle stuck up his bottom because that's what inspired this prompt in the first place)

Re: Sherlock gets stuck in an awkward situation

(Anonymous) 2015-06-16 05:06 am (UTC)(link)
Nopenopenope, I never read about anything stuck in John! :)

Here, I hope you're going to like it:

(And I still hope somebody fills your prompt, because we need more things like this)

FILL: The Other Delicate Condition

(Anonymous) 2015-06-23 12:42 am (UTC)(link)
Disclaimer: I am essentially ignorant of the proper medical procedures involved in extracting lost objects from someone’s ass. Google was only partially helpful, and I am unwilling to pursue direct research. I do however hope that anything learned in the course of my last few searches regarding the removal of “Rectal Foreign Bodies” will be as useful to any observing NSA agents as they were to me.

This ended up being gen. My whump proclivities came into play and I couldn’t resist the idea of Sherlock aflame in his own private hell of humiliation with no consolation boners. I hope you’ll enjoy it.

John was not particularly surprised to find Sherlock seated in his examination room. The nurse had told him that “Lord Twatterson will see no one but you,” after all.

“What are you doing here?” John asked. “Besides upsetting the nurses. I’m working.”

Sherlock made a noise from the back of his throat that was neither affirmation nor disagreement, and in no way resembled an answer.

“Sherlock,” John started, “I’m really –”

“I’m here as a patient. I…” Sherlock hesitated for an almost unprecedented length of time. “No. It’s worse if it’s you.” Sherlock started to rise, let loose a soft groan, and dropped back into the chair.

“What is it?”

Sherlock inhaled through his nose, looked John in the eye, and said, “I was performing a delicate experiment when I slipped and –” Sherlock’s mouth kept moving for a moment, but nothing came out. His jaw clicked shut.

He regrouped. “I lost my hold on the” he barely hesitated, “experimental stimulus, and now I can’t retrieve it.” He broke eye contact to stare at John’s mouth. “From my rectum.”

John tried to mask his huff of amusement as a cough. Sherlock’s blank, still face showed him that hadn’t worked.

“Sorry. It was… the way you said it.”

“It was for a case”

He would never do this with a proper patient, but, “The case of how much you can stuff up your bum?”

“No. The McTavish case. The smuggling.”


“It was the logical course of action. We have similar body types.”

“Mmm-hmm.” John tried to project an aura of calm, non-judgmental acceptance.

He failed.

“His alibi doesn’t check out.”

John could feel the grin pulling at his skin, even as he tried to resist. “That’ll be an interesting one to explain.”

Sherlock’s lips twitched, and then he was laughing, and that set John off.

“I’d planned to leave my personal experience out of it. This was just… a safety net.”

“Yeah. I’m glad you’re not sending an innocent man to prison. Now drop trou and hop on the table.”

John turned his back to give Sherlock some privacy as he undressed, even though flatsharing had taught him that the man had next to no understanding of that concept.

He had a box of gloves. He had a proctoscope to hold Sherlock open and forceps to help him grip and pull. He had experience. He was prepared.

He turned back after hearing the paper crinkle under Sherlock’s weight.

“Right then.” He spoke as he pulled on his gloves. “Lie on your left. Bottom leg straight, top bent. Put the pillow under it.”

“The pillow’s not covered,” Sherlock complained as he moved into position. “That’s not hygienic.”

“We’ll burn it when you’re done.”

Sherlock didn’t laugh.

“Right. I’ll have to open you up and take a look. If I can’t see anything you’re going to have to go to urgent care.”

“You can handle this. You’re a surgeon.”

“I was.”

John decided the proctoscope was warm enough and dripped some slick onto it to ease insertion. He didn’t want to hurt Sherlock, but he wasn’t looking forward to fingering his friend open on an examination table any more than he had to.

Luck – and, John suspected, whatever Sherlock had done to get him into this situation – was with them. John led with the proctoscope and it slid in smoothly. Sherlock grunted, and his hand twitched, but he didn’t move to bat John away or complain.

John slid the obturator out of the proctoscope tube and prepared himself for the view.

“What exactly am I looking at here?” he asked. It was something he should have clarified earlier. Seeing at least one (and, if he remembered the details of the case correctly, probably more shoved up farther) bag of what appeared to be a white powder unsafely contained in a flimsy condom really brought that home.

“Sodium bicarbonate.”

John didn’t try to make his silence pointed, but Sherlock seemed to take it that way.

“I should have gone to someone else,” he groaned, bringing his right hand up to his face.

“Anyone else would have called the police the moment they saw that. Then I wouldn’t be the only one to know.”

“Dear god. Shut up.”

“Calm down.” John patted Sherlock’s bare hip. It wasn’t exactly the strictest adherence to proper doctor/patient interaction. Nor was it the most mately of gestures. But then, the threads of polite society tend to unravel a bit when one is staring down one’s best friend’s arsehole.

“Three, um, packages? All in the same condom?”



John fed the forceps through the proctoscope and gave a gentle, hopeful tug at the base of the condom. No luck; Sherlock’s body had already formed a suction seal. John considered his options: He could try to remove the packets first and pull the condom out after them. That could leave him with a lost condom pushed in beyond his reach, or a lost condom still containing a bag he couldn’t grasp. Or he could try to break the seal and pull the entire mass out, but if he broke the condom in the process the results could be messy at best.

The second option would be quicker – if all went well – and if it didn’t? Well, for all he knew a broken condom was already an issue. He was willing to risk it.

“I’m going to fit in a catheter to release the pressure and let air pass behind it. Then I’ll try to pull it out all at once.”

John binned his gloves to search for a suitable catheter. He could hear Sherlock shifting on the table as he picked one out, but his friend remained uncharacteristically silent.

“If you feel any significant discomfort, I need you to say so immediately, alright?”

At this Sherlock turned a glare on him. “My arse is being held open while you –” He stopped and let out a quick breath. “The criteria for significant discomfort have been met.”

“I’ll bet.” John pulled on a new pair of gloves and slicked the catheter. “Tell me if anything changes.”

Sherlock looked away again, but John was confident that – despite all the difficulty he could have with the man – he understood.

He held aside the edge of the condom with the forceps in one hand while he pushed the catheter in with the other. Sherlock grunted, but tensed only momentarily, letting John keep pushing in until he passed the end of the obstruction.

“Good. That went smoothly.”


“Do you feel alright?”

“Yes. Get on with it.”

John smiled to himself and proceeded at his own pace. Much as he was sure Sherlock would like this to be over, hurrying would not help.

His careful pull at the base of the condom met with success; the condom moved ever so slightly. He gently pulled it farther, until it reached the edge of the proctoscope.

Of course Sherlock had chosen to shove something wider than the proctoscope up inside himself.

John began the delicate maneuver of pulling at the condom while he removed the proctoscope. Slowly – very slowly – it came along.

The last of the proctoscope slid out, and he managed to keep from losing his grip on the condom as Sherlock’s body closed around it. John pulled steadily; the condom followed.

“Oh, thank god,” Sherlock muttered as it finally fell free. John had to push him back down as he tried to rise up, apparently unaware of the catheter still inside him. With a few short movements John freed that too.

“Give it a sec,” he commanded. “I still need to have a quick look for tears.”

Sherlock opened his mouth, but shut it silently again after John’s repeated “Quick” as he pushed at his hip.

He reinserted the proctoscope for a swift but thorough check, leaving his hand on Sherlock’s hip to keep him still.

“You’re fine,” he said, pulling it back out and handing Sherlock a tissue to clean himself up with. “Very healthy. Not even any hemorrhoids. Congratulations.”

“Thanks,” Sherlock snapped as he snatched the tissue.

John took care not to let any amusement show. He turned away to clear up and let Sherlock put himself back into order.

“And you’ll have to take this with you,” he said, slipping the condom into a bag. “I’m not dealing with anyone asking questions about suspicious white powder, thanks. Hide it somewhere else on your way out.”

He turned back to hand the bag to Sherlock and receive a truly impressive glare.

“You’re supposed to do a follow-up tomorrow, but let’s say I trust you to tell me whether you’ve had any blood in your stool or other discomfort.” John stared at Sherlock until he received a quick nod.

“Good, and I’m sure we’ll never have to do this again.”

“Or speak of it.”

John gave a noncommittal hum.

“Really,” Sherlock insisted. “Never mention or think of this again.”

“People can’t control what they think about, Sherlock.”

“I can.”

“I’ll do my best to forget the finer details, but knowing that you lost a condom full of fake cocaine inside yourself in the middle of an investigation is too useful.”

Sherlock went still. “What?” he asked in a soft tone that exemplified threatening. “You think you’re going to blackmail me?”

“Into washing the dishes sometimes? Could do.” John leaned back. “But actually I was thinking of using it as another good example of why you shouldn’t do whatever incredibly foolhardy thing you’re going to think is a brilliant idea for some future case.”


John could have taken exception to Sherlock’s attitude, but he was old enough to recognise defensive bravado when he saw it, and had been granted the grace to handle it.

“Alright. But if I’m going to give you unrecorded medical treatment in the middle of my workday, I am extorting something out of you. Can’t have you taking complete advantage.”

“I don’t take advantage.”

“Yes you do.”

Sherlock shifted his head in what John chose to take as acknowledgement.

Perhaps he should have lost his appetite by now, but John had seen far too much while practising medicine for anything to have much of a lasting impression anymore.

“I’m off at seven, and I’ll be expecting you to buy me dinner.”

“And if I don’t?”

“Then I’ll feel terribly hungry and horribly taken advantage of.”

“Yes. Fine. Assuming no new developments in the case. Any preference?”

“Surprise me. And get out so I can see a proper patient.”

Sherlock gave him a long look before nodding and sweeping out looking as unruffled as ever.

Sherlock would be fine – even if he remained impossible – and John was honestly glad to take care of him.

His only regret was having to deal with an angry mother because he’d done nothing to hide his laughter when his next patient turned out to be a dark-haired little boy with three peanuts shoved up a nostril.

Re: FILL: The Other Delicate Condition

(Anonymous) 2015-06-23 03:43 pm (UTC)(link)
OMG... I love this! I. Love. This.

Re: FILL: The Other Delicate Condition

(Anonymous) 2015-06-24 06:35 pm (UTC)(link)
Thank you! :D

Re: FILL: The Other Delicate Condition

(Anonymous) 2015-06-23 09:54 pm (UTC)(link)
John and Sherlock in this story look absolutely in character! :O
Are you going to post it on AO3? I wouldn't mind reading your other stories, too. I really like your writing style and the way you portray characters.

Re: FILL: The Other Delicate Condition

(Anonymous) 2015-06-24 06:35 pm (UTC)(link)
Thank you very much!

I may end up reposting on AO3. I'm flattered by your interest. Most of my other stories are here:

Re: FILL: The Other Delicate Condition

(Anonymous) 2015-06-25 04:06 am (UTC)(link)
LOL hilarious and very in character.

Re: FILL: The Other Delicate Condition

(Anonymous) 2015-06-25 08:52 pm (UTC)(link)
Thank you! ♥

Re: FILL: The Other Delicate Condition

(Anonymous) 2015-06-26 01:44 pm (UTC)(link)

oh, thank you anon! ♥

Re: FILL: The Other Delicate Condition

(Anonymous) 2015-06-27 08:50 pm (UTC)(link)
You're welcome! :D

Re: FILL: The Other Delicate Condition

(Anonymous) 2015-07-14 02:30 pm (UTC)(link)
Fantastic!!! Loved every second.

Re: FILL: The Other Delicate Condition

(Anonymous) 2015-07-17 06:34 pm (UTC)(link)
Thank you! :D I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Re: FILL: The Other Delicate Condition

(Anonymous) 2015-11-04 11:42 am (UTC)(link)
Oh god, I laughed so much. This is lovely and so in character.

Re: FILL: The Other Delicate Condition

(Anonymous) 2015-11-16 09:45 pm (UTC)(link)
This was so much fun to read. Delightfully snarky and wonderfully in character. Thank you for posting it!