John gazed up at Sherlock with a disarming intensity, and more than a bit of charm, and smiled slowly. "Still are. Partners. In the business sense."
Sherlock shook his head and stumbled through the discussion. "John. Perhaps it wasn't... entirely clear given my... recent actions, but... you are free. You have no obligation to me in any... sexual sense."
John teased, "Try again. You might be able to make that sound even less convincing."
"I've said it before, though I'm sure you wouldn't remember. It's not my area."
"It's everyone's area." John added, "Sherlock," as an afterthought, as if testing out the name. "And helping people get their needs met is myarea."
John. You're... I knew you before and believe me, this is not you. You've been through something I can't even conceive of, but you are here and that is what matters most... and I don't need you to turn up the volume on whatever bit of sexuality I might actually have. I'd rather prefer you didn't, actually. "
John nodded and looked distressed, frightened, even. "Forgive me. Please," he said just shy of a whisper.
Sherlock realised what he had said just a little too late. That was a command. A weak one, but a command nonetheless. John had pushed a line and Sherlock, secretly relishing every second of what had momentarily *felt* like the real John-- even if the words were still utterly wrong-- failed to consider the potential consequences.
"It's fine." Sherlock reached out his hand to gently touch John's shoulder, to reassure him he would not harm him, and felt his whole frame relax. "I know you want to understand. You can even ask me questions without actually stating them. As I said, I won't be offended." Sherlock took a breath. This was not something he had ever pictured himself discussing... with anyone, let alone John. The man who threatened to wreck the balance...the grit in the lens.
"Sexual desire, for me, is like a circuit with a loose wire. Sometimes I feel it connect, and I can feel the flow of sexual electricity, but most of the time it doesn't. It's not something I've encouraged. It intrudes on my thoughts. I used to be able to push it aside, it happened so rarely. Like everything else... if I'm working and I'm hungry, I just keep working, and I will be so absorbed in a case that I will forget about the hunger. Well, eventually I do have to eat. And eventually, my body provides its own release. But at least it doesn't distract me, or cloud my judgment. I prefer to have my blood stay in my brain."
"That must be terribly difficult, to not think about sex. I would find it impossible."
"Not for me. Usually."
"And when it's... connected, you feel it? You want it?"
"Briefly. I can choose to stoke the flame or let it die out."
John scrunched his face and gave Sherlock a long, assessing look, as if trying to make sense of Sherlock all in one moment and finding it an impossible task. "If you aren't on a case, why let it die out? If it feels good why not do it?"
"Because it is an unnecessary indulgence, and it only serves to exacerbate an already hopeless situation."
"So you don't seek it out consciously."
Sherlock curtailed a sigh. It was important, crucial, in fact, to get John comfortable with asking questions and treating him as an equal instead of a superior. And he would be honest. "No. The person of interest was unobtainable. I was not about to set myself up for a lifetime of pining. If any other should happen to come along, I will reassess the situation, but as it took me twenty years to find someone I found fascinating enough to capture my interest, I don't think it likely I'll stumble across another any time soon."
John made a pained expression. "You had it bad." His expression gradually became more pensive. "Being in a relationship, matters that much to you?"
"It's safe to say that that happened first. The sexual element caught me off guard."
FILL 10a/? "138" (John in slave auction)
"Flatmates. And partners. In the business sense."
John gazed up at Sherlock with a disarming intensity, and more than a bit of charm, and smiled slowly. "Still are. Partners. In the business sense."
Sherlock shook his head and stumbled through the discussion. "John. Perhaps it wasn't... entirely clear given my... recent actions, but... you are free. You have no obligation to me in any... sexual sense."
John teased, "Try again. You might be able to make that sound even less convincing."
"I've said it before, though I'm sure you wouldn't remember. It's not my area."
"It's everyone's area." John added, "Sherlock," as an afterthought, as if testing out the name. "And helping people get their needs met is myarea."
John. You're... I knew you before and believe me, this is not you. You've been through something I can't even conceive of, but you are here and that is what matters most... and I don't need you to turn up the volume on whatever bit of sexuality I might actually have. I'd rather prefer you didn't, actually. "
John nodded and looked distressed, frightened, even. "Forgive me. Please," he said just shy of a whisper.
Sherlock realised what he had said just a little too late. That was a command. A weak one, but a command nonetheless. John had pushed a line and Sherlock, secretly relishing every second of what had momentarily *felt* like the real John-- even if the words were still utterly wrong-- failed to consider the potential consequences.
"It's fine." Sherlock reached out his hand to gently touch John's shoulder, to reassure him he would not harm him, and felt his whole frame relax. "I know you want to understand. You can even ask me questions without actually stating them. As I said, I won't be offended." Sherlock took a breath. This was not something he had ever pictured himself discussing... with anyone, let alone John. The man who threatened to wreck the balance...the grit in the lens.
"Sexual desire, for me, is like a circuit with a loose wire. Sometimes I feel it connect, and I can feel the flow of sexual electricity, but most of the time it doesn't. It's not something I've encouraged. It intrudes on my thoughts. I used to be able to push it aside, it happened so rarely. Like everything else... if I'm working and I'm hungry, I just keep working, and I will be so absorbed in a case that I will forget about the hunger. Well, eventually I do have to eat. And eventually, my body provides its own release. But at least it doesn't distract me, or cloud my judgment. I prefer to have my blood stay in my brain."
"That must be terribly difficult, to not think about sex. I would find it impossible."
"Not for me. Usually."
"And when it's... connected, you feel it? You want it?"
"Briefly. I can choose to stoke the flame or let it die out."
John scrunched his face and gave Sherlock a long, assessing look, as if trying to make sense of Sherlock all in one moment and finding it an impossible task. "If you aren't on a case, why let it die out? If it feels good why not do it?"
"Because it is an unnecessary indulgence, and it only serves to exacerbate an already hopeless situation."
"So you don't seek it out consciously."
Sherlock curtailed a sigh. It was important, crucial, in fact, to get John comfortable with asking questions and treating him as an equal instead of a superior. And he would be honest. "No. The person of interest was unobtainable. I was not about to set myself up for a lifetime of pining. If any other should happen to come along, I will reassess the situation, but as it took me twenty years to find someone I found fascinating enough to capture my interest, I don't think it likely I'll stumble across another any time soon."
John made a pained expression. "You had it bad." His expression gradually became more pensive. "Being in a relationship, matters that much to you?"
"It's safe to say that that happened first. The sexual element caught me off guard."