"Let's pretend I am for a bit longer so you can explain. Why did you want me to stay with her? She'd try and kill me if I left?"
"No. Well... maybe, but I didn't think so. It was for my benefit. And yours, I thought for yours, too. You love her."
"I loved who I thought she was. I loved some of what she turned out to be. But how does that help you? To watch her more closely?"
"I...miscalculated. Not being able to observe one's self is always a disadvantage. Mycroft saw it, of course...the bastard. Told me not to get involved. I thought that I could send you off in style. See you happily married, a wife, even a child... though I didn't know that at first. I thought seeing you happy would make it easier... to... let you go. Mycroft and I checked out her past. I had more enemies which she could successfully protect you from than she had who might cause the both of you harm. I determined she would no longer be a danger to you or me if Magnussen was unable to threaten her. Aside from that, she would make an ideal companion for you." Sherlock's voice dropped a bit in pitch and volume. "Minus the trying to kill me bit, so I minimized its impact somewhat."
"Meaning, she did try to kill you." John's eyes sparkled. It's almost... well, actually, it is pretty damn funny. Looking at John...taking in the small wrinkles around his eyes, at the corner of his upturned mouth, the creases in his forehead as he raised his brows... Sherlock visibly relaxed.
"Well, she certainly didn't try as hard not to as I had implied."
"It didn't make sense, but I thought, 'always your way'. I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. It never did."
"And I also never meant you were attracted to psychopaths, John. You're not. What you do need, though, is someone to look out for. Someone to save." The tension returned, a stiffness settling back into Sherlock's features as he continued to speak. "And it couldn't be me anymore, at your side, but at least with her in your life, there wouldn't be an empty spot there beckoning me to fill it."
John's expression varied between new realization and increased confusion. "You could have been... if you wanted that space, you..."
"Opportunities come and go. I had mine. I didn't know right away, John. I didn't know what it was. I'd only had one relationship of any real significance to go by. I read your attraction to me, that first night at Angelo's, but I didn't want that then. I really didn't. And at the pool, I ---was confused. When I was... gone... by then I knew. I wrote you letters I didn't send. It was too much to put on paper. I kept trying to get back home and explain in person, where I could read your face, know if I needed to retreat. Where I wouldn't have to wait for an answer. I figured I'd finish soon enough, but then I would find a new cell. Moriarty's network was vast. I had never wanted you beside me more, nor been more glad that you were still in London. The work was," he paused, searching for the right word, "difficult."
FILL 12b/? Three" (Threesome fail)
"No. Well... maybe, but I didn't think so. It was for my benefit. And yours, I thought for yours, too. You love her."
"I loved who I thought she was. I loved some of what she turned out to be. But how does that help you? To watch her more closely?"
"I...miscalculated. Not being able to observe one's self is always a disadvantage. Mycroft saw it, of course...the bastard. Told me not to get involved. I thought that I could send you off in style. See you happily married, a wife, even a child... though I didn't know that at first. I thought seeing you happy would make it easier... to... let you go. Mycroft and I checked out her past. I had more enemies which she could successfully protect you from than she had who might cause the both of you harm. I determined she would no longer be a danger to you or me if Magnussen was unable to threaten her. Aside from that, she would make an ideal companion for you." Sherlock's voice dropped a bit in pitch and volume. "Minus the trying to kill me bit, so I minimized its impact somewhat."
"Meaning, she did try to kill you." John's eyes sparkled. It's almost... well, actually, it is pretty damn funny. Looking at John...taking in the small wrinkles around his eyes, at the corner of his upturned mouth, the creases in his forehead as he raised his brows... Sherlock visibly relaxed.
"Well, she certainly didn't try as hard not to as I had implied."
"It didn't make sense, but I thought, 'always your way'. I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. It never did."
"And I also never meant you were attracted to psychopaths, John. You're not. What you do need, though, is someone to look out for. Someone to save." The tension returned, a stiffness settling back into Sherlock's features as he continued to speak. "And it couldn't be me anymore, at your side, but at least with her in your life, there wouldn't be an empty spot there beckoning me to fill it."
John's expression varied between new realization and increased confusion. "You could have been... if you wanted that space, you..."
"Opportunities come and go. I had mine. I didn't know right away, John. I didn't know what it was. I'd only had one relationship of any real significance to go by. I read your attraction to me, that first night at Angelo's, but I didn't want that then. I really didn't. And at the pool, I ---was confused. When I was... gone... by then I knew. I wrote you letters I didn't send. It was too much to put on paper. I kept trying to get back home and explain in person, where I could read your face, know if I needed to retreat. Where I wouldn't have to wait for an answer. I figured I'd finish soon enough, but then I would find a new cell. Moriarty's network was vast. I had never wanted you beside me more, nor been more glad that you were still in London. The work was," he paused, searching for the right word, "difficult."