Three hours in which Sherlock's mind was completely silent, three hours in which he may as well have lost his sight, for he only looked at the paper in his hands. The words did not come together to form sentences.
He just. Stood.
At one point he heard Mrs. Hudson leave. She hadn't returned yet. Sherlock knew she must be at Hospital. He was glad of it. A warm hand holding John's
I should be beside his bed
Talking nonsense.
I should explain, apologize, explain, tell him, do I tell him that I respected Mary. I did. I did. I never truly liked her, but she made him so happy...and she was clever. She saw how much I loved him....
Sherlock lifted the paper.
Love him. I love him. He's still here. I love him.
Sherlock raised the paper higher, stared at the letters. It took a full two minutes for the letters to finally form into words, sentences.
A suicide note.
Sherlock,
Do not blame yourself. Do not. Don't let that "machine" of your mind run until the gears become too hot, smoke, and burst into flame. I was so vulnerable.
I should have said no. After...well, after I stood up I should have told you I didn't want to. Not then. Not at that moment. Not at that moment at all. Because I didn't.
I just wanted someone to hold onto, to stop being brave. To stop being "John, so stoic." I wanted to forget.
I also wanted Mary. I still do. I know what she's done, but fuck Sherlock! I killed a man to protect you the first day we met, you killed to protect me-and Mary, though I know it was really me. And she is no different.
When I met you, you pushed me down a path, that gave me what I needed then. Kept me laughing, a friend. A real friend.
Mary gave me warmth, and love, and light. So much.
I should have said no. I was screaming it in my head. I should have waited. Waited until the pain of her death didn't overshadow everything. Though I still don't know if that will ever happen.
I loved mary. So much.
I love you, and I knew I wanted to live with you again, to have our relationship grow.
You used me. But I should have said no. I should have said no. For all of us.
I've become useless. That night was wrong. I confused you. And I hurt Mary. She may be gone but I hurt her. The world will happily go on without me. You can stop using people in that way-you'd become a good man, that man Greg hoped for. But I didn't say no, I didn't do what I am supposed to to: Keep you from doing stupid things.
So, do what you want with my belongings. Everything has been left to you. You will move on, you have your cases, your mind, your bloody experiments. Your parents and your life.
You once said England would fall if Mrs. Hudson left. But for all your faults and flaws...it would fall without you.
No 7/
Three hours in which Sherlock's mind was completely silent, three hours in which he may as well have lost his sight, for he only looked at the paper in his hands. The words did not come together to form sentences.
He just. Stood.
At one point he heard Mrs. Hudson leave. She hadn't returned yet. Sherlock knew she must be at Hospital. He was glad of it. A warm hand holding John's
I should be beside his bed
Talking nonsense.
I should explain, apologize, explain, tell him, do I tell him that I respected Mary. I did. I did. I never truly liked her, but she made him so happy...and she was clever. She saw how much I loved him....
Sherlock lifted the paper.
Love him. I love him. He's still here. I love him.
Sherlock raised the paper higher, stared at the letters. It took a full two minutes for the letters to finally form into words, sentences.
A suicide note.
Sherlock,
Do not blame yourself. Do not. Don't let that "machine" of your mind run until the gears become too hot, smoke, and burst into flame. I was so vulnerable.
I should have said no. After...well, after I stood up I should have told you I didn't want to. Not then. Not at that moment. Not at that moment at all. Because I didn't.
I just wanted someone to hold onto, to stop being brave. To stop being "John, so stoic." I wanted to forget.
I also wanted Mary. I still do. I know what she's done, but fuck Sherlock! I killed a man to protect you the first day we met, you killed to protect me-and Mary, though I know it was really me. And she is no different.
When I met you, you pushed me down a path, that gave me what I needed then. Kept me laughing, a friend. A real friend.
Mary gave me warmth, and love, and light. So much.
I should have said no. I was screaming it in my head. I should have waited. Waited until the pain of her death didn't overshadow everything. Though I still don't know if that will ever happen.
I loved mary. So much.
I love you, and I knew I wanted to live with you again, to have our relationship grow.
You used me. But I should have said no. I should have said no. For all of us.
I've become useless. That night was wrong. I confused you. And I hurt Mary. She may be gone but I hurt her. The world will happily go on without me. You can stop using people in that way-you'd become a good man, that man Greg hoped for. But I didn't say no, I didn't do what I am supposed to to: Keep you from doing stupid things.
So, do what you want with my belongings. Everything has been left to you. You will move on, you have your cases, your mind, your bloody experiments. Your parents and your life.
You once said England would fall if Mrs. Hudson left. But for all your faults and flaws...it would fall without you.